Jom Membaca – Don’t Tell Mummy

salam uols…

jom baca synopsis buku yg iols dah selesai baca last week

nak khabo awal2 – panjang berjela2 ye synopsis ni

do bear with me my frens – since i do love writing!

kononnya lah! hak hak hak

cerita amat panjang berjela sebab tak banyak potong pun dari bukunya

hari tu potong – ada kata cerita tu kontot – tak best plak nak baca

so this time – cut skit2 – mana yg iols rasa tak menjejaskan

jalan cerita dari buku asal tu ye…

Don’t Tell Mummy

By toni Maguire

 

seperti selalu – kisah benar yg di lalui penulis

dari sheols kecik - sehinggalah sheols meningkat dewasa

cerita ni sedih ye – mengisahkan anak yg tak dapat kasih sayang

dari ibu dan ayah – anak yang di hilang masa depan

oleh sebab nafsu serakah manusia yang sepatutnya

menjadi pelindung sheols – mengasihi sheols sebagai anak….

kisah ibu yang lebih mementingkan diri sendiri

hanya memikirkan her own survival and her own life and needs

rather than thinking about her own child’s need

sedih – rasa kalo ada depan iols manusia ke… binatang ni

memang kena terajang cam jet li buat dalam citer wong fei hong

[tetiba masuk jugak jet li kan????]

hak hak hak

kish bermula di hospital – mak si Toni ni dah nazak sangat2 ye…

and Toni atau nama sebenar Antoinette menjaga ibunya itu

her mother – surprised that Toni sanggup datang jumpa sheols

and then – flash back to when Toni was a kid…

Toni – the only child in the family

her father known as Paddy – dilahirkan di Ireland Utara

her mother known as Ruth – di lahirkan di Kent…

memula Toni ngan mak nya tinggal di Kent

her father – join tentera and only balik bila ada cuti

then – bila heols berhenti – after few months of difficulties nak dapat kerja kat situ

heols ajak his family pindah ke Northern Ireland

they were happy at first – his father dekat dengan keluarga heols

lagi pun – heols ni anak sulung dalam keluarga tu…

the family memang adore him very much…

but her mother then – jauh dari kehidupan yg mudah di Kent

mula jadik sangat2 dependable ngan suami sheols tu

masalah nya – her husband ni kaki judi dan pemabuk plak lah…

setiap kali heols balik mabuk2 – yg kena pukul si Toni

ada jer yg tak kena dengan apa yg Toni ni buat

masa ni Toni ni kecik ye… about 6 years old gitu

at six and half years old – kalo tak silap ye…

sheols terima her first sexual abuse from her father

masa tu depa sambut easter – and his father being nice to her

ask her to sit on his lap – and as a kid – dan tak nak bagi ayah heols marah

she did as she was asked to….

mula ayah sheols ni buat yg tak elok kat sheols

my body stiffened. one hand tightened on top of my head

so i couldn’t moved, while the other slid across my face and

gripped my chin. his mouth came down on mine.

his tongue forced its way through my lips.

and ayah sheols bagi warning – “don’t tell mummy. this is our

secret Antoinette, do you hear me?”

“yes daddy,” i whispered. “i won’t tell.”

but i did. i felt secure in my mother’s love.

i loved her and she, i knew, loved me. she would tell him to stop.

she didn’t.

and it getting worse by the time toni ni berumur 7tahun

at that time – ayah sheols ni keja as mechanics

dan dah sewa sebuah bangsal – a bit far from their house

kononnya nak buat stor tempat heols repair kereta…

then one weekend – he told his wife heols nak bawak Toni ni gi jalan2

being a child – sheols suker lah…

but then – the father took her to the wooden barn and

forced himself onto her – not hard enough on those early days

to tear or damaged but hard enough to hurt her

that weekend outing – berlarutan sehinggalah sheols berumur 14tahun

dan setiap kali tu jugak lah his father will warned her

“don’t you be telling your mother, my girl.

this is our secret. if you tell her, she won’t believe you.

she won’t love you any longer.”

so that was the day we started the game; the game was called ‘our secret’,

a game that he and I were to play for seven more years.

kesian dengan Toni – dah khabo kat mak sheols pun

mak sheols buat tak tau aje

and she felt that her mother has betrayed her…

tapi sheols ni tetap jugak yakin yang mak sheols sayang kan sheols

tho ayah sheols macam gampang tu

tapi kadang2 disebabkan nak sangat rasa kasih sayang dari parents

sheols kerap kali di aniaya ayah sheols sendiri

nak plak bila mak sheols dah start kerja

sebab tak cukup duit belanja kat rumah tu

yo lah kan – ada laki pun kaki minum – kaki judi

dapat duit gaji pun – habis gitu aje

tak kan nak makan pasir kot kan????

then – when his wife starts working – makin besarlah bapak haruan tu kan?

his wife working in the morning – so he changed his working shift

kerja malam le plak – so siang hari bila toni balik sekolah

memang jadik makanan bapak sheols lah

gampang banget!

[iols plak terlebih emo ye…]

sehinggalah sheols berumur 14tahun – dengan tak disangka2

tetiba toni pregnant le plak – ayah sheols lah punya kerja tu kan….

masa memula pregnant sheols tak tau pun sheols pregnant

just every morning sheols tak sihat – and when mak sheols perasan

sheols ni nampak pucat dan tak sihat – asked her utk pegi jumpa dokotr

which she did – and masa check-up tu

doktor khabo yg sheols was 3 months pregnant

terkejut beruk lah si Toni – nak plak sheols masih underage kan…

bila doktor tanya – sapa yg buat – sheols ada boyfren ke

sheols cakap le tak de

“i can’t be, i’ve never slept with a boy.” i blurted out in denial of what i knew to be true.

“you must have slept with one,” the doctor retorted, 

impatient with what he perceived to be an obvious lie.

“only with my father.” i finally replied.

turn doktor tu plak yg terkujat beruk ye

tak sangka le plak – bapak sendiri sanggup buat keja macam tu

and when she left the clinic – sheols panik sangat2 tak tau nak buat apa

dan tak tau nak gi mana – and finally decided nak gi jumpa

ada sorang cikgu sekolah sheols yg baik ngan sheols

tapi cikgu dah kawen – mula2 nampak ok lah jugak

bila sheols bagitau masalah sheols – lain plak jadiknya

the teacher’s husband plak yg masuk campur

dan halau Toni ni balik – katanya masalah toni tu menyebabkan

bini heols susah hati – dan heols tak nak Toni ni datang lagi ke situ

nak tak nak terpaksa jugak si Toni ni balik rumah

sampai aje kat umah – her father dah tunggu nak tau apa sakitnya

sheols bagitau yg sheols 3 months pregnant

and ayah sheols cadangkan sheols pegi buat abortion

tapi sheols tak nak – sebab sheols dah cakap kat doktor tu sapa punya kerja

“did you tell the doctor it was me?” was his next question

“no,” i lied, the fear returning.

then ayah sheols macam biasalah – ugut sheols

“well, remember what i’ve told you my girl, you will be blamed if

you talk. you’ll be taken away and locked up. your mother won’t stop them.

everyone will blame you.”

“now, i’m going to tell your mother that you’ve told me you went to Portrush,

met some english boys and did it with them. do you hear me, Antoinette?

so what are you going to tell your mother?”

terpaksa jugak lah sheols ikut jugak cakap ayah sheols tu kekdahnya….

bila mak sheols balik dari keja – orang yg mula2 bagitau kat mak Toni ni

adalah his father – his own version of the story

and later – after bapak tak berguna tu dah keluar kerja

her mother asked her again – suruh sheols cakap betul2 punya kerja tu

“daddy,” was all i could choke out.

to which she replied, “i know.... all those years…”

adehhhhhhh!~ mak sheols tau lah selama ni

yg laki sheols tu binatang sangat2 kan???

tapi sheols senyap aje – macam tak ada apa2…

then Toni bagitau yg sheols dah khabo kat doktor tu –

sapa yg menyebabkan sheols pregnant

dan doktor tu nak jumpa ngan mak sheols plak le…

her mother went – and came back later on with the doctor

and after a lengthy discussion – and Toni to have legal abortion

and as per doctor punya suggestion – after the procedure

she will put into a home for difficult teenagers

on that day – she went alone to the hospital

and she went home alone – jugak lah kan

her parents totally dah tak pedulikan sheols lagi…

that nite – at home – sheols tumpah darah

sampai her parents panic – esp the father lah kan

called the ambulance – and she was sent back to the hospital…

dua hari sheols anatra sedar dengan tidak kat hospital

tak de langsung her parents datang melawat

and on the third day – she was allowed to go home…

the nurse told her – sheols tak sepatutnya buat abortion

sebab by the time depa buat abortion tu

she was too many months along – lebih dari 3 bulan lah…

dan kesan dari abortion tu – sheols tak mungkin akan dapat anak di masa depan…

teruk gak kan kesannya – sebb dah terlampau lewat depa buat…

sampai rumah – ada tetamu kat rumah her parents

the doctor was there – and the doctor informed her :

“your friend the teacher has gone to social services. they have informed

the police – they are coming in the next few minutes.”

and yep – the police came – Toni dan ayahnya di bawa ke balai

sepatutnya – her mother ikut sekali sebab Toni ni masih bawah umur

tapi mak sheols tak nak pegi – for her – her husband tak bersalah

so – a social worker was appointed – untuk temankan Toni…

her father – mengaku bersalah dan of kos lah kena sumbat dalam penjara kan

and Toni – told the story to the police – with a social worker sebagai saksi

and dari pandangan naïf beliau – dah selesai semua masalah ye…

and sheols boleh teruskan hidup cam biasa – sambung sekolah bagai…

and continue tinggal ngan mak sheols berdua aje…

but the worst are yet to come….

esp hari perbicaraan di mahkamah – tho the father dah mengaku salah

tapi masa depan Toni masih tak tau macam mana lagi…

pada hari perbicaraan – again her mother refuse to go with her

tetapi sebaliknya pegi keja macam tak de apa2 pun yang berlaku….

terpaksa lah pulak – pegawai polis kat situ bawak bini heols untuk

jadik peneman Toni ni – konon nak bagi support jugak lah…

keputusannya – his father dipenjarakan selama 4 tahun saja…

tapi kalo berkelakuan baik – bleh keluar selepas dua tahun setengah

dan boleh pulang ke rumah pada perayaan tertentu sahaja

as for Toni – the judge explain that the court dapati sheols tak bersalah

“Antoinette, as you will find, as i know you already have, that life is not fair.

people will blame you, as they already have. but i want you

to listen to me very carefully. i’ve seen the police reports.

i’ve seen your medical reports.

i know exactly what has happened to you

and i’m telling you that none of this was your fault.

you have done nothing to be ashmed of.”

and with that thought – sheols ingat keadaan dah pulih seperti biasa….

but of course lah kan – tak de makna nya kan???

her relatives avoiding her – makcik2 – pakcik2 – sepupu sebelah her father

semua pulau sheols – termasuk lah her mother….

even her own grandmother yg selalunya sayang kat sheols pun

halau sheols masa sheols pegi melawat nenek sheols tu….

that event terjadi selepas sheols pegi kesekolah

bila sheols tiba kat sekolah – all the kids tak nak kawan ngan sheols

termasuk lah cikgu2 kat sekolah tu jugak - buat tak tau saja kat sheols

yg menjadikan keadaan lebih teruk – bila sheols di panggil

mengadap timbalan guru besar sekolah tu dan di tanya

kenapa sheols masih jugak datang ke sekolah tu…

rupa2nya sheols dah di buang sekolah

kata timbalan guru besar sekolah itu – ramai ibu-bapa yg talipon sekolah

tak nak dah Toni bersekolah kat situ dan berkawan dengan anak2 depa

even the school board jugak berpendapat – yg bersalah adalah Toni…

tak kira lah apa juga keputusan mahkamah….

dah tak tau nak kemana - sheols pun pegi ke rumah nenek sheols

it was then – her grandmother send her away

apa2 jugak halnya – tho yg bersalah adalah ayah si Toni

but his parents will always sided with him

so grandmother tu cakap – lebih elok lah Toni dan mak nya tu

balik semula ke England – where they belong…

and then later on – they moved – not to England

tapi pindah ke Belfast – and mulakan hidup baru…

Toni and her mother terpaksa bekerja

the only work yg Toni boleh dapat jadi pengasuh / nanny…

memula keja ok sajalah – tapi ada jugak Toni ni tipu majikan sheols tu

kata her father dah meninggal dunia – so sheols kena keja utk sambung pelajaran

keja pun senang – majikan yg baik – lagi pun Toni ni disediakan bilik

sheols suker banget ngan anak2 majikan tu

dua orang saja – a boy and a girl..

hingga lah satu hari – few months selepas sheols start keja

her employer tanya kat sheols – pasal her history – pasal kes Antoinette

whether sheols orang yg sama atau tak….

sheols terpaksa mengaku jugaklah…. sebab cerita tu betul

dan sheols dibuang kerja jam2 tu jugaklah….

bila sheols sampai rumah – sheols  teringat balik what her father had said

“your mother won’t love you if you talk.

everyone will blame you.”

dan sheols tau – what he predicted was true….

mak sheols – jugak dah dapat keja kat sebuah coffee shop

jadik supervisor some sort of lah…

she enjoyed her work – sebab dapat jumpa ramai orang

and she changed herself – bermekap bagai – tukar hairstyle semua lah

and Toni – soon found another job

macam yg sebelum ni jugak – live-in nanny

tapi masa ni Toni dah mula kena depression yg teruk jugak lah

macam2 hal yg sheols pikirkan – dan selalu sangat

terfikir pasal nenek halau sheols – how her other relatives

rejected sheols bila sheols nak bermain2 ngan anak2 depa

how humiliating bila di buang sekolah

when the whole school know about the case

walopon sepatutnya – perbicaraan tu dijalankan secara tertutup

of kos lah kan – akan ada saksi2 yg bukak mulut

maka kisah sheols dan her father tu – satu Kent dah tau…

disebabkan depression yg teramat sangat – sheols cuba bunuh diri

with a larger botol of aspirins – a botol of Bush Mill’s Whiskey

dan jugak sepeket razor blade – sheols nekad to end her life….

sampai habis kering kontang botol whiskey dan aspirins

sheols then slashed her wrist dengan pisau cukur tu…

fifteen slashes –each slash for each year of her life…. 

her eye-lids became heavy – then she felt no more…

bila sedar sheols dah ada kat hospital

jenuh gak lah doktor kat situ nak selamatkan sheols

ngan nak pump aspirins yg sebotol sheols telan tu kan

ngan luka kat tangan sebanyak 15 hirisan

banyak jugak darah sheols dah hilang

bila sheols dah stabil – sheols di transfer ke psychiatric hospital

dimana rawatan yg lebih baik akan diberikan

tapi disebab sheols bukannya gila pun - hanya depression sajakan

maka sheols tak tinggal lah dalam padded ward berkunci bagai

sheols dapat bilek yg macam asrama gitu…

dan disebabkan juga sheols ni underage – baru 15 tahun

jadik rawatan yang sheols terima adalah tanpa dadah

dan jugak tanpa menggunakan electric shock

instead sheols hanya ada therapy setiap hari

[iols pelik gak ni – depression pun kena ada electric shock treatment ke?

nampak sangat tak ambik tau hal2 camni kan??? eheheheh]

three months selepas menjalani rawatan kat situ –

Purdsyburn nama tempat tu – iols lupa nak mention tadi

sheols dibenarakan pulang – and her mother collected her…

sheols then keja sama ngan kat tempat mak sheols keja

jadik waitress saja lah – tapi ekceli her paid lebih dari mak sheols

since sheols sokmo dapat tips dari customer yg baik…

just before her sixteenth birthday – sheols decided nak sambung belajar

maka sheols pun buat plan – carik kerja baru – with higher pay

dan nasib baik jugak lah – mak sheols bersetuju dgn racangan sheols

dan tuan punya coffee shop tu offer keja ngan sepupu heols

jauh jugak lah dari tempat depa tu – jadik sheols kena pindah lah…

keja kat hotel – bukan lah hotel besar ye – budget hotel gitu

keja ni lagi teruk dari keja kat coffee shop

nak plak tuan punya hotel tu garang giler

sentiasa nak keja siap dengan cepat

dan tak boleh nak curi2 tulang

eheheheheh

but that was ok with her – tips dari customer agak lumayan jugak

dah tu ada jugak customer yang baik hati

lagi pun – tempat tinggal dan makanan hotel sediakan jugak

so dapat lah sheols kumpul duit untuk sambung belajar

disamping tolong mak sheols bayar duit rumah

yang mak sheols duduk tu….

hinggalah tiba easter holiday – sheols kononnya

nak buat surprise kat mak sheols lah

after more that two years – since perbicaraan tu dulu

his father name was never mentioned in their conversation

so sheols ingat – mesti mak sheols akan keseorangan kat rumah

she bought many presents for her mother

tapi sheols terkejut sangat2 bila sheols sampai rumah

her father was there – heols dapat pelepasan untuk balik

menyambut easter bersama2 dengan family heols…

in that split second i knew i’d lost.

he was what she wanted, he was the center of her universe

and i had only provided the company to fill her time

until his return…

kesian Toni kan – ada mak yang tak sayang kat sheols

even her presence hanya sekadar pengisi kekosongan saja

now i understood – that is why we moved to Belfast,

and not returned to England : she had been waiting for him.

that was the start of another game played by my mother

to an audience of one : ‘when daddy comes home.’

ok – story pasal Toni childhood ended there

but then – her mother akhirnya meninggal dunia juga

walopon masa tu her husband masih lagi hidup

but he did not come to hospital masa Toni asked him to come

her father choose to spend time with his drinking buddies

and sadly – mak sheols mati tanpa kehadiran insan yang sheols puja2

tapi sebaliknya – hanya di temani anak sheols sendiri

yang dah berkali2 sheols reject dari hidup sheols…

so many times – her daughter came to her

seeking for her love – for protection – her comfort

she turned her down – as always…

tamat sudah ye

memang panjang berjela sangat2

thos banyak jugak yg iols potong

tapi rasanya tak lah menjejaskan sangat jalan cerita..

do enjoy reading my frens

banyak pengajarannya….

salam and adios

muahhhhhhhh n muahhhhhhhhhhhh!~